


Heroes, Demons And Wardens

by SolomonMudd



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family Reunions, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hero Worship, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Story Arcs, Suicidal Thoughts, one shots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-29 17:44:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8499262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolomonMudd/pseuds/SolomonMudd
Summary: "For you, Hero is a symbole of hope, a light sheding the darkness. That's a lie. In reality, Heroes are Mosters who slay other Monsters, and have trouble sleeping at night because of it" The Warden closed his icy eyes and slouched over, as if suddenly tired "Once i, too, thought i could defy everyone and save everyone. Then i saw it. Ahead of me a road long and so hard. Abruptly i found msyelf enduring loss after loss, failure after failure, straining just to gain one inch, and all the while, all around me, people celebrating my victories. This is what it means to be a Hero. This is the Truth" then Alexander re-opened his eyes, now their normal silver shade, fire in them "But the truth doesn't matter, you matter. You, Ashala Adaar. Prove me wrong, prove the world wrong. You can, i know you can"Warden-Commander Alexander Amell finds himself in various different situations and gets to meet many different people, some of them from his past





	1. The Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9:41. Alexander Amell goes at the Empress' Ball alongside the Inquisition, and forebodes the meeting with an old acquaintance

## The Mask

"And now, presenting: Alexander Amell, Enchanter of the Ferelden Circle, _there are no circles, one of my many failures made sure of that_ Champion of Redcliffe, _slaughtered a child to get that title, no one ever mentions that_ Lord of Vigil's Keep and Arle of Amaranthine, _Abomination, that's what they call me in Amaranthine_ Royal Advisor to the Queen of Ferelden, _two were meant to rule, not one_ discoverer of the Temple of Sacred Ashes, _the ones rooks sell in every alley from here to Kirkwall?_ Vanquisher of the Fifth Blight, _i vanquished nothing, not even what i was supposed to_ Commander of the Grey, _something true, at last_ THE HERO OF FERELDEN _Alistair is The Hero_ "

They were all watching him, all of them studying and evaluating him from behind their masks made of silver and skin. The man -boy- he once was would have crumbled under such a scrutiny. Not on the outside, of course, years of being afraid of the templars had, afterall, taught him to hide that fear behind a well-crafted wall of bravado, but now he no longer was that person, he didn't need to combat those vultures, he didn't need to fear their evaluating stares or their leering gazes. 

He didn't care 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the Inquisitor and her entourage were introduced, too, and after the Empress feigned to not understand Adaar's words of caution, he found himself staring at some child-sized chalice, holding wine which would have made his dwarven friend cause mayhem in outrage, and a plate of food that- _what the hell kind of food is that?_. All the while, Leliana tried her best to feign ignorance towards the figure watching them from the shadows _She's playing her game, Leli, she wants to be seen. We'll jsut have to pretend we don't_ **For now**

"Do you think this is actually edible?" Asked the Warden, lifting with two fingers the meathy thing Ambassador Montiliyet had insisted _"everyone had to absolutely try"_. He also pretended to not notice the gasps of the nobles at his action. That was much easier to ignore, to be sure, especially since his companion's eyes had just widened in the most amusing way

"What are you doing?!" Leliana whispered-screamed "Put that dow- Stop! Don't wiggle it around and put it down! And don't look at me like that! Puppy dog-eyes worked ten years ago, now you just look like an old mutt" A smile blossomed on the spymaster's face as she addes the last part "with fleas"

"That's no-" he exclaimed in a higher-pitched-voice than usual, as she tried to her her giggles "That's not funny" he continued in a more subdued tone "Fleas are not something to make jokes about. I though you knew just how utterly despicable and evil those things are, how could you say that to me after what i w-Bucefalo went through because of them!"

"Ah, your mabari went though that now, eh?" She said, eyes full of mirth and reminiscence "Well, i can say that because, if i rememebr correctly, i was the one to wash them out of you-r dog after he somehow caught them" she could barely suppress her laugh, now "You never did tell me where you went while i did that. Indisposed, maybe?"

He made a show of putting the thing down and of re-slipping his Warden-Commander face in position. He could not hide, though, the almost imperceptible uplifting at the corners of his mouth at the sound of her laugh, even if it was somewhat forced it held some genuine amusement, and maybe nostalgia, in it "Consider me insulted, my lady. I will not storm out, nor will i scream or rave, simply because you still did not answer my question" At that, he picked up again the maybe-poisonous-meat and wiggled it some more

The former Left-Hand, once her laughter calmed down, just sighed at his antics and went on to explain just what kind of food was that- while, in her mind, she thanked him for the pretence. 

As she, once more, felt eyes - _those eyes_ \- staring at the back of her head, she prayed to the Maker her only remaining family - _her love_ a part, a big part, of her whispered- would not have to suffer again because of that _traitor_ 's machinations

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Inquisitor Adaar was not having a good day. Not only she had to wear this ridiculous outfit to appease the ridiculous customs of this ridiculous people - as if a piece of clothing would somehow matter to them more than her horns, or her skin, or her ears, or her height, did - but she also had to go around, playing Detective Donnen, while ignoring the danger she _knew_ was lurking in the shadows, just waiting for the best moment to strike. And in doing so, potientially sending the world into the pit of darkness she had seen in the future

Yes, not a good day at all, which only got worse when she realized Nightingale was not at her usual spot in the Ball Room. _Where is she?!?_ The not-really-but-maybe-Herald of Andraste screamed in her mind. They had agreed to meet here if she found out something that could be used at the Inquisition's advantage -if an outdated pair of shoes at the feast of Lord whatnot can be considred valuable for the Inquisition. But now Leliana wasn't at her place, and the information's details were already starting to fade out from her mind _Duke De Launcet or De Ferret?_

"Inquisitor" a stern, somewhat low, and also unmistakable, voice said from behind her "Something i can help you with?"

She quickly turned around and found herself looking in the silver eyes of The Hero of Ferelden... and promptly looked down as her dark cheeks became a shade darker _Damnit, get a grip. You're trying to stop the Empress of Orlais from getting murdered, you can act stupid later_

And she probably would

The first time she had met him, when he arrived, unexpectedly, at Skyhold with a group of his wardens at his back...

...well, sha had not fainted _at least_. She is Tal-Vashot and Tal-Vashot do not "faint". But she did find herself incredibly short for words, so short for words, in fact, that when she opened her mouth to greet him, after a full couple of minutes of staring, the best that her addled brain could come up with was, as Varric liked to remember her every day, "Hi"

All because her two-months younger, naive, self thought standing there, saying nothing, would have been more humiliating. Idiot.

But, seriously, it was not her fault The Warden saved the whole freaking world and, in doing so, gained the everlasting admiration of a little-girl not even old enough to have proper horns. She really doubted anyone would have behaved better in her shoes, standing in fron of her hero, silver eyes and white hair and dark shiny armor and all. Maker's blood, even Sera had gone quiet (and just a few weeks later Dorian, Cassandra and Rainier had had to organize turns as to oversee her interactions with the Grey's Commander, after the not-elfy-elf had confessed to Ashala her plan to jump on the Warden's back, like Hawke sometimes did, and have him carry her around)

Then again, probably most people would have stopped blushing, or at least gotten the hang of it, after hering said Hero asking to Leliana, with a straight face and a strict tone, "if Schmooples II was alright" 

But no, she was most obviously not most people, which is why she was now looking looking down at the floor -which is quite a feat when you are so tall-, in meek embarassment, while she should have totally been inquiring after Nightingale's whereabouts. _There you go, something to say and it ony took half a minute of mortifying silence -progress is progress-_

"I am looking for Leliana" _Don't greet him or anything, eh, doofus_ "Well, i mean, uh, Hi! Are you enjoying the, uh-" She took a glimpse of his plate _what is that?_ "the Ball?"

Nowadays he just barely raised one of his non-existing eyebrows at her behavior _Which is not really a good thing. He probably thinks i am a simpleton OR a weirdo... or both_ "I am enjoying it as much as you, i presume" He answered offhandedly, moving to the spot Nightingale should have been "Leliana heard something interesting and went to investigate. I'd wager she'll be back in no more than 5 minutes" He continued as he started eating the -uh, thing- in his plate

"Well, uh, then i will just g-"

The white-haired man interrupted her, without taking his attenction away from the plate "As i said, she will be back in no time. If you wish, you can wait here"

"Oh-Um-Eh-Yeah, yeah, sure. I'll, uh, wait here, yeah" She said quickly, after a small pause, and she hurriedly moved to the other side of the small table _Uff, why no chairs_

As she settled, she noticed The Warden's movement to come to stand closer to her, and at that she looked up with wide eyes _Maybe he asked me to stay because_ \- "The Empress will take part in the dance after this one. Keep your senses sharp and be ready to act" - _because he's actually doing what we all came here to do_

But, at least, that was an easy thing to talk about. It was her duty as Inquisitor, so she neither mumbled, nor blushed, when she answered him "Do you see anyone?"

He hummed lowly "No one seems to be acting unusualy at the moment, no, and there are no enemy mages in the room" They way he said mages, though, it was as if he was saying a joke only he could comprehend _Venatori are more like lowlife thugs and less like mages, i suppose_

As she, too, started to look around for danger -much less discreetly than the silver-eyed man infront of her- she noticed, for the first time, that everyone, absolutely everyone, was looking at them. Which promted her to quickly turn her head back towards The Warden, face filled with tensity... and be greeted by the sight of him nonchalantly taking bits and pieces from his plate, seemingly ignorant to the dozens of, almost hungry, eyes on them

"Don't give them an opening" He suddenly said, undoubtedly perceiving her panicked gaze upon him "Play The Game, and play it well, or don't play at all. Either way, don't let them breach"

_Easy for you to say. Some may look at you strangely, but others look at you in awe, they _all_ leer at me in disgust. The Hero who saved a nation and The Qunari Beast who is a sham_ She realized she had spoken those words outloud when his eyes, from his plate, moved to hers and, for one moment, and just for one moment, _they turned into ice_

And, for the first time since she had met him, she felt _afraid_ , caught in the stare of a predator

Just as suddnely that moment had come, though, it was gone. His eyes returning just as quickly to their normal silver-y shade, and the man himself going back to eat from his plate, so unperturbed by it all that she started believing it all a trick of her brain

The next few minutes passed in silence, as both Warden and Inquisitor looked out for danger, but it was broken by the Grey's voice, that adopted a softness he sometimes used when talking to Hawke or Leliana or his closest wardens "You, and only you, know who you are. Some will call you a Hero, because they need something to give them hope. Others will call you a Monster, because they need to blame someone for their misfortune. It doesn't matter. You matter. You know who you are"

"And if the stares still bother you, long ago i found out that imagining my detractors naked or shitting, or both, helps to make them somewhat less scary. I mean, everyone shits" Added Alexander a few moments, his voice and face returning to their usual stoicity

And with that, from sad and tired she went to loudly laughing her heart out, completely unconcerned by the gasps around her

"That you mustn't care about them doesn't mean you should attract attention so, yes?" He said in a more relaxed tone, when her laughter subdued

"Ah-Sorry" The Herald gasped out as she tried to recompose herself _Vivienne will talk-or take-my ear out for this_ That thought sombered her up quite quickly 

"Thank You, Warden" And she truly meant it, not just for the laugh, but for the words before that, too. It was nice talking to someone who just _understood_. Someone who had gone through what she was going through. Someone wise, and smart, and kind, and nice, _especially to look at_

She was taken out of her thoughts, but not out of her newfound blush, when he spoke again with an inquisitive tone "At times i wonder why people still call me only that. I'm hardly the only warden around these days"

Adaar answered without a moment's thought "Because you are THE Warden, of course. No one is like you"

The Warden looked intently in his chalice, as if he could see something mesmerizing in it and was not sure if he liked it. He then said something she didn't catch and hastily looked up, as if waking from a dream-or a nightmare?- and told her "You still remember what you had to say to Leliana, yes?" And it was right at that moment that said woman appeared with a brilliant smile, maybe somewhat forced to the eyes of someone who knew the spymaster better than the Inquisitor did _Just a couple of months ago i never would have thought Leliana could smile, especially like that_

"Lady Inquisitor, sorry for the wait, i had some matters to attend to. I trust Alex was good company, and didn't simply enjoy staring at you to make you uncomfortable" The first part was in her usual firm voice, while the second was for The Warden than to for Adaar herself, and a more playful tone was used

"Tonight you're more nefarious than usual. I don't always do that, and never without a worthy motive" Even tough the words were meant to be as playful as Leliana's, the tone was somewhat stiff. It wasn't just the two of them, afterall (and he had already showed more than he ought to)

Leliana put her arm in his _He usually stiffens when someone touches him, only her, and Hawke, and some of his wardens can get away with it_ "I don't think wanting the tailor to not put sleeves on your uniform can be considered a worthy cause. Poor boy run away, trembling" 

"It builds character, if we meet again he'll thank me"

Ashala, though, didn't catch the next few words from both of them, still somewhat trafixed by the easy way the spymaster had approached the Warden. Or, well, the easy way most of his friends seemed to effortlessly approach him. She could not imagine herself as much as laying a finger on him, much less standing as close as the Nightingale was now. He had such a nobility to him, a fierceness, that seemed almost unapproachable.

_And yet_ , all those closest to him were never affected by it. They, in the contrary, seeked every chance to stay near him. Even if they had nothing to say, nothing to talk about, they seemed to prefer silence in his presence rather than on their own

She was so caught up in her thoughts that all she did was blink, when she realized the Warden was now addressing her. "Errr"

"I was telling Leliana that you had something to report, and that i have something to collect" Said the silver-haired man, gesturing to his plate "Inquisitor" continued the Warden as he slightly bowed to the Herald-cue another blackening of her cheeks-, slightly poked the spymaster's midsection, retrieved his plate and started towards the food

As they watched him go, both amused at the way the Orlesians seemed to part to allow him passage, they turned to eachother. One with a smirk and the other with a retreating blush "So, he truly didn't stare to make you uncomfortable?"

"No, no, no, of course not" The Inquisitor hurried to answer "He actually-well, he helped"

The Nightingale didn't need to ask why, or how, or about what "Yes, he does that" She said in a slightly sad voice

As they went to discuss the matters at hand, Inquisitor Ashala Adaar, with a much lighter heart than she had mintues ago, found herself wondering what The Warden thought of her horns

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the foiled attempt at the Empress' life at the hand of her cousin, thanks to The Inquisitor, and the pledge of loyalty from Briala and Celene to the Inquisition's forces, Alexander Amell found himself drinking some pisswater wine in one of the most secluded balconies of the palace. Waiting.

As he drank, he midly wondered what he would feel once she arrived. Rage, maybe? _Unlikely_ His rage towards her ended when he came to the realization he himself was the one who let His King die. Regret? _Can't change the past_ And if he did look back, then he would be truly and wholly lost. Happiness, Love? _Didn't she say i hadn't loved her enough?_ Fear?

_Alas, it seemed the wait has ended_ he thought, hearing the door of the balcony slightly creak as someone quickly came to stand by his side

He didn't say anything, he didn't look at her, he coudln't allow himself to be the first one to cave in. Not this time.

And, in the end, it was her who broke the silence

"Hello, Alexander"

_Hadn't he said something similiar, 6 years ago?_

_Maker, she was just as he remembered. So beautiful, so far away, so_

_Sad? After all she's done how can she be sad? Sad to see him again? Sad that he lived? Sad that her plans didn't work? Sad because she knew why he had come?_

_Sad because she misse-No, that wasn't why he was here. He didn't come to dwell on things that -never- were and never could be. The Warden gripped the dagger he kept latched to his belt, a comforting presence in the chaos of his mind, and started towards her_

_"No further, please. One more step and I leave. For good, this time."_

_"Hello to you too, Morrigan"_

"Hello to you too, Morrigan"

More silence. It seemed conversation didn't come easy for the two of them, now _And to think that once-_ **Don't**. Then again, he wasn't the one who had seeked her, he wasn't the one who had needed to see her. The weight of the conversation rested on her shoulders

"Twas a surprise, when i came to know you would have come here. Even more so because of the company you arrived with. It seems when trouble does not find you, you find it"

She was looking at him now, from the corner of her eyes, studying him. Maybe she was comparing him to the memory she had of him, just as he himself, once, had done with her. Or maybe she was comparing him to someone far closer, someone that, maybe, was even in the palac- **Don't**

"Hm, the same could be said about you, wouldn't you agree?"

She smiled slightly then-he knew because, damnit, he was looking too-, and he found himself idly wondering if smiling had become easier for her as years went by 

"In more ways than you think"

His eyes slighlty narrowed at her words. They had just met and already she was alluding he didn't know as much as she. Just like that night 10 years ago when his pride **and hers** had costed Ferelden its king, and him a brother

"Tell me, throughout the night did you mean for us to notice, or have your skills withered in the service of Her Imperial Majesty?"

She rebuked, slightly, but enough for The Warden to notice. She wasn't expecting a frontal attack, but what _he_ wasn't wasn't expecting was a defense. Unlike her, to prefer the shield to the sword "I've not been in the service of Celene for nearly enough time for my magic to grow weaker. And even were it so i would never do such a poor job of hiding my presence, if i didn't wish it so. Tis' quite insulting that you would even consider the possiblity" 

"Than, if you needed to make yourself known, there was no need to do it for the entirety of the Ball. You made Leliana quite uncomfortable" As he said that he drank a bit from his glass

"If a pair of eyes make the Spymaster of the Inquisition uncomfortable, then i am worried for us all" She replied in a clipped tone

The Warden tensed at that, cursing himself for brining Leliana into this "As far she knows you abandoned the group" _me_ "the night before the battle. Her uneasiness is fair, and a better option than her rage" 

A-calming-breath "I wanted to speak with you, privately, and i had to make sure you would want that too, for one reason or another. Your presence here tells me it worked" A slight pause, and in a lower, gentler tone "If i caused you discomfort then i.. apologize, twas' not my intent"

_Yes, she either wants something or someone is controlling her_ Thought Alexander as he, without making himself noticeable, started looking for any kind of blood magic on her

Apparently not enough discreet, it seemed, for she laughed. A quite little laugh, filled with something he didn't wish to recognize "Tis' an apology from me such an unlikely event that you can't believe it to be true?" She stopped for a moment and then continued with a different, more serious, tone "You should be more careful about using your abilities. The War between mages and templars has hardly gained the formers any sympatizers, and with demons at every corner those like you should be even more mindful"

"You said i insulted you, but now you insult me. I am more than capable of watching after myself"

She was annoyed now. He remembered that look; slightly narrowed eyes, lips downturned, a magical surge foretelling of the jolt she -probably- wanted to send his way. Why was she annoyed?

"Forcing a Grand Duchess under your control, in front of the entire Orlesian Court no less, is being careful to you?"

At that he couldn't stop his eyes from widening for a second _How did she notice?_ and, of course, he couldn't stop her from seeing his reaction

A huff, from the raven-haired woman "Any mage gifted with something resembling a brain would have noticed, and so could have any templar whose mental capabilities exceed those of your mongrel"

No point playing around, then, he thought as he noticed his glass had emptied itself during the converastion "The Inquisitor had to be the one to unmask the Duchess, to gain the Orlesians' support, which wouldn't have worked quite as well if Her Emperial Majesty found herself lacking a head"

Morrigan scrunched her eyebrows in disapproval, finally turning towards him "And having The He-" She stopped herself "The Warden-Commander Of Ferelden accused of using magic, magic some would call forbidden, on a Grand Duchess of Orlais, the Empress' cousin no less, would have been a much better way to put an end to the evening, yes?"

The Warden threw the glass down into the garden down below, hopefully hitting some masked idiot's head _5 minutes with this woman and already my every action is under questioning_ "It did not happen, for i am good enough to have not let it happen, and that is all there is to say about it. Regardless, i think you should rather take care of how you use your words, or it may even seem like you care" He didn't have to say that last part, but he wanted to, for he, now, was annoyed too

Watching her flinch and turn her head away from him, though, didn't give him any satisfaction, just as he knew it wouldn't. Especially because of the uneasy silence that followed

There was a time too much silence made him uncomfortable; templars, in the tower, were always watching, always silent, ready to strike all of them down at the first sight of demonic possession or blood magic. He didn't like silence, back then, so he used to cover it with stupid jokes and shows of bravado. As the years passed, though, as he travelled the road, fought darkspawn and men in equal number, bled and killed, silence became a welcome friend. Silence meant safe, it meant that he could rest -because at times he was so very tired- while one of them, one of his, watched over him. Or while he watched over them

But this silence of theirs, now, just weighted of unspoken truths and old regrets

The Warden didn't like that "You said you wanted to tell me something. It has been a long day, so, if you would do so, i'd be much obliged"

Morrigan half-smiled, maybe grateful for his steering of the conversation, or maybe something else "Not as long as the night, i'm sure" She took a breath "I would be most grateful if you could look me in the eyes for what i'm about to tell you"

The mage raised an eyebrow at that. The smartest-?- part of him enouraged him to end their meeting right there and then. Walk out and never seek her or see her again, just as he had promised himself he would do the last time they met, and the time before that

That part of him, though, was quickly crushed by curiosity, and something else

And, of course, by Pride. Her words were a challenge **and challenges are meant to be faced, my friend** _When it suits you_ **Us**

The Warden turned and, for the first time in 6 years, Silver met Gold


	2. The Memento

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 9:33  
> Alexander Amell talks with an old friend, after having learned something quite incredible

"It's been a while, has it not? I have missed our talks, or, well, me talking and you listening, i suppose. How's that for a change, eh? I know, i know, i always make this joke, but you have to admit _it is_ funny

But, well, i should probably tell you what i've been up to those last few months. You probably won't like it, so let's just get the bad parts out of the way

I went into the depths of an ancient dwarven thaig, Amgarrak, its name, and i got really close to get my wish granted. Or what i thought was my wish, anyway

Didn't expect that, did you? Oghren and Nathaniel were supposed accompany me, for safety, but i managed to make myself scarce long before Orzammar. And this, by the way, is another proof that my alternate form is quite worth the occasional problems it entails

But now i'm just sidetracking

You're probably angry at me for being so foolish, i am sure, just as my -it's still strange to say it, _my_ \- dear wardens were

They still are, actually, or, at least, Sigrun and Velanna are -i did tell you about them, did i not?-, Nath has just developed the propensity to go wherever i go, while Oghren keeps trying, not-so-subtly, to get me drunk from dawn till dusk because, as he says it, "if the son of a nug is too bloody busy getting his ass up from the floor, he's too bloody busy to get himself killed"

Of course, Leliana didn't take well the news of my disappearence either. She came all the way to the Vigil just to make sure i was safe and sound. The night she arrived, when we were alone, and i didn't even try to offer some excuse for my actions, she simply cried

I'd never seen her cry, you know? Not on the deep-roads, not whe we found the Sacred Ashes, not when she, Zevran and _her_ found me at Drakon, not before the last battle

She told me it was her fault, hers and my wardens' and everyone's, because she believed me when i told her i was alright. Because she gave weight to the flinch i make everytime anyone calls me _Hero,_ only when they told her i was gone. Because she forgot even her brave warden could feel tired now and then

...

None of it is true. It's not anyone's fault but _mine._ _I_ decided, not them. _I_ am the reason i'm speaking to you, now, and not you to me. _I_ am to blame, not them, not _her_

_..._

You know, i thought that was it. At Amgarrak, i mean. I thought i had gone there to put an end to things and just be _done_ with it all. I thought i didn't deserve to keep living, to keep getting second chances, while so many were denied one because of my actions. Yet, as i faced that beast of flesh and bone, Jerrick and Snug and Brogan's eyes staring at me from that thing's belly, i found i did not want to die, not yet

Strange, eh? It could almost be said "Once a coward, Always a coward"

But this time i had something to do, you see? One last matter that i had left unfinished, and _that_ gave me enough will to keep going

Ironic, really. I spent so much time hating, so much time forcing myself to _not_ think, and then, when i did think, it was her who, ah, saved me

...

Maker, i was so young back then. _We all were_ , weren't we? Young and ignorant. _Heroes in the making,_ who knew not the cost to become one _._ But we were happy. In the mud of the camp, a dagger under the pillow, or the whole sword under the pillow, our hands filled with darkspawns' and monsters' blood, we were happy

...

I think i loved her, you know. In the way a boy loves the truly sensational woman, or was she a girl?, he sees. She was just so.. free. All of her. She could not be contained, and she would not let herself be contained. Everything that i had always wished to be, right infront of him

Sweet Andraste, the more i talked to her and the more i admired her

_Also_ , i couldn't stop looking at her, remember? But, to be truthful, the wandering eyes were not really born of admiration. Ah, licking lamp posts in winter, right? A wonder, really, how you could talk, or scream, to a half-naked woman without batting an eye

Still, i think, i fell in love with her when i saw her smile. When i gave her the mirror. You weren't there, that time, but i was the one to give her the mirror she carried around, think you never figured that one out, yes? Just... the way she smiled... made me realize just how _beautiful_ she truly was

Once i even toyed with the idea to make a poesy for her, comparing her to a rose. Fierce, and proud, and strong.. and wild, and cutting

Thorns, right?

Anyway, better move on, before you come back just to laugh at me (and if you want to come and laugh, then come and laugh. Please)

After a-while i was back at the Vigil. I immediately sent scouts in the Korcari, to find a trace, even the smallest one, for me to follow

To find her i would have needed was a _smell_ , a _print_ , and the abilities she taught me

But, as it turned out, they found more than a print. Matter of fact, she had recently used the cabin. _Her mother's cabin_

_..._

I would be lying if i said i didn't shiver when i saw it, when i saw the place i had left Flemeth's remains. It was a strange experience, going back there, but much more ordinary was finding out the dalish were searching for a possesion, stolen to their people from Asha'bellanar. Or, well, her daughter

To inform of this was Arianne, the hunter the dalish sent to track down their artifact. Good tracker, strong arm in a fight, stronger than Finn's, anyway, a mage who joined the quest because of his expertise on elvish artifacts

Quite observing too, Arianne, i mean. Saw the ring, probably on one of the rare occasions i took my armor off, and came to the most logical conclusion, that she and i are married. As if.

Can't stop thinking about something she said, though, _"Yet you still allow her claim on you. I wonder what she gave you in return"..._ Happiness, for a time, and then much pain and much suffering. And yet i still wear it...

Anyhow, to find the objective we needed a map, of a kind, and to get it we had to go through a couple of places tied to anciet elves.

An elven ruin and, guess, Cadash Thaig. Made me think about Shale. Hope she's alright, it has been awhile since i last heard from her, or from Wynne. I imagine my people felt like this when i disappeared, only much worse seeing the circumstances... Don't worry, i'll find them if i have to

Going back to the tale, i'm almost done, after Cadash Thaig and the elven ruin we had to go to the Dragonbone Wastes. Nest was still there. I could still smell the stench of darkspawn on every inch of that _fucking_ place

But sorry, i shouldn't get angry

A Varterral was guarding the entrance, a spirit from dalish legends said to be given life to protect the dead. It had a huge, spider-like body made of the hardest wood. A golem of a kind, probably, mayhaps built at the time of Elvhenan

From what i'm told it wasn't east taking it down. Truth be told, i can't remember much of the fight, bits and pieces. The ring was burning so hot on my finger, and i could only think of what would come after

Even weeks after, i don't recognize the emotion i felt when i first saw her. A putrid blend of hate, and anger, and sadness, but no regret. I could not afford to be regretful, and the weight of the dagger on my belt brought me comfort, as we accused eachother

Andraste's blood, the more we talked, the more we clashed, the more that feeling grew

Why didn't she just go? Had she just waited to pour salt in the gaping wound of all my failures? Did she want to see for herself what _misery_ denying her had brought me?

Maker, as i looked at her i could only see Duncan, and Connor, and Jowan, and Varel, and Justice, And Anders, and Amaranthine.. and You

And then amidst all of that... with just a few words, _just a few words_ devoid of... _cruelty or regrets_ , she gave me salvation

She didn't save me. _But He did_.

...

I wonder if he has my eyes"

And, at that, The Warden stopped talking, and rested his hand on Alistair's tombstone

* * *

"There is something else i must tell you. Your son... is safe"

"Thank you, Morrigan"


	3. The Ship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Warden is on his way to Kirkwall, and is taken out of his dark thoughts by one of his oldest friends

Kirkwall, City of Chains. Known as Emerium at the time of its foundation, 620 years before the Chantry was born. Prized jewel of the Imperium, prior to the slave uprising that freed the City from the Magisters. Valuable for its strategic position, that makes it the nexus of trade between Ferelden and the Free Marches

The ancient statues of Tevinter had been eroded by both time and the Chantry's effort, in equal measure, but they still managed to make an impression as the boat-ship-shut up-, that carried him, and the contingent of wardens he had taken with him, slowly made its way into the city's main channel

As the Warden looked at the Twins of Kirkwall, the giant weeping slaves that overlooked the entrance to the port, he found himself wondering how foolish must a boy be to believe Tevinter innocent of all its many crimes, to believe the Imperium an easy scapegoat for the Chantry to excuse its treatment of mages. Very foolish or quite sensible shut up

The more they approached the dock, though, and the more his thoughts left the statues to concentrate on the feeling of the City. Truly, it was strange, maybe even unsettling, how the veil got dimmer and dimmer as the Gallows came closer and closer

Such phenoms were not unheard of, the veil unraveling where great magic resides, or once resided. Indeed, to the Warden, who had seen -and fought in- many such-a-places, such things were almost mundane. But here, in Kirkwall, something felt different

Then again, the rebuilding of the Wardens of Ferelden -and of Amanthine- had occupied his last year. It had kept him from adventuring, and everything that that entailed, as much as he once did, something he wasn't quite sure if he was grateful for. And maybe, in that time, he had simply forgotten what it meant to step into such a broken place Laughable. A few months of inactivity are nothing to us To ME At last, some variety. You give me hope Shut up And then you take it away, how cruel

The Warden's thoughts, and conflicts, were then blessedly interrupted by... well, a quite loud, and quite unmistakable, belch

Which was quickly followed by some angry cussing, some more belching, some more angry cussing, and someone, finally, storming towards him "Ohy, boss! You-Stone-Forsaken-nug-sucker! The good stuff's all gone, and the elf keeps vomiting everywhere, if this piece-of-crap-floating-wood don't get us where we're suppossed to be today, i'm getting there by myself" Said the angry, red-headed, dwarf, as he came to stand next to his Commander, gripping the rails for dear life

"You don't know how to swim, Oghren" Answered Alexander, his lips twitching at his old friend's antics, grateful for the distraction

"Well, i'm gonna throw you first"

"Then it would be two of us drowning" Replied the Warden, feeling suddenly quite defenseless as he stared at the water below King Maric Therein met his end at sea, such an empty way to go His son did much better, wouldn't you agree? Shut. Up.

The dwarf, oblivious to the way his Commander's jaw had tightened, went on "AH! Oghren's smater than that! Your mutt will jump to the occasion to be a hero, the glory-seeking-mongrel, and THAT'S when I'll jump on his back. This time he'll submit and i'll get him to carry me to that pisshole we have to go to" the smaller warden briefly stopped talking, adopting a pensive look "I'll also throw you one of the kids. Can't let you die like some nug-loving-sodder, not on Oghren's watch!"

Alexander rubbed his eyes, now his turn to be oblivious at how his friend didn't miss the gesture, his voice coming out a tad colder than he had wanted it to be "'This time' So you do remember last time you tried to ride Bucefalo, yes? I don't think Velanna is in the appropriate mood to stitch up your rear" The dwarf's scowl returned in full, hiding his half-worried look, but before he could answer his Commander's next words, pronounced with a lighter tone, froze him "And, i think your cruel words towards nugs, and those who like them, could... profoundly shake someone we both know, mm?"

Oghren's expression, that had become one of righteous when when the Warden brought up the... accident, turned to one of quiet terror at his Commander's last words. So, he quickly changed the subject "Don't try to change the subject! Your fancy words ain't gonna work on me! Where the bloody stones are we and how much time 'til we reach the mudding place?"

Gaining half-a-smile, that would have gone unnoticed by most, the Amell gestured towards the statues and the approaching port, even though his companion couldn't see the latter "We should be at the dock in no more than 20 minutes. Sorry to say it, but no need to enact your plan"

The last part, though, went completely unnoticed by the dwarf, as he, instead, started staring at the Twins "Boss, this is the place?" At the Commander's affirmation he continued "Boss, we aren't even there and the place is sodding depressing already. Those sods up there are sodding depressing. Why did we even need to come in this place?"

"The Queen wants a report on the situation in Kirkwall. After the Qunar-"

The smaller warden interrupted "I know why we are sodding here! Why did she send you, instead of that old bronto Eamon?"

The Warden didn't answer at once. Instead, he started gazing at the nearing Gallows, as if he could see through the gates, the corridors and hallways hidden behind them. The long stairs that connected the City, the sea of noble's residences in the Hightown and, amongst them, one estate. One particular estate that was different from the rest, one that evoked something from within him

He'd never seen it, of course, this particular estate, and neither had he ever seen Kirkwall's Hightown. But he'd be lying to himself if he said that his thoughts had never turned strayed towards it. If he said that a child, no more than 9, hadn't started dreaming, after reading one forgotten tome about the Kirkwall's various noble houses. If he said he hadn't spent hours, in silence, imagining the colors, the smells, the feel, of this illusory house. He'd lying if he said that that piece of mind, that sweet lie, had never felt like home. It could have all been reality, if they had not come to steal you away Or i could have ended up an abomination And You didn't? No.

As Alexander blinked away his thoughts, hiding them behind his eerie eyes, he noticed that Oghren had remained unnaturally quiet, waiting silently for answer. Or, perhaps, not expecting one. You're better than you know, my friend

And the Amell repaid his kindness with the truth "My last name, i suppose"

The dwarf's face looked up, scrunched up in both confusion and surprise "What does that mean? What does your last name even have to do with anything?" the dwarf's face scrunched up even more "Wait, what is your last name?"

As he rested his arms on the rails, one of the Warden's non-eyebrows raised in amusement "Oghren, you don't even know your Commander's last name? After all those years?" After he finished saying that, the white-haired man tensed for a brief second, sensing someone approaching from behind

The shorter warden, not having noticed, grunted "You're not the most sharing guy around, and i'd bet most of the people we come accross don't even know your first name. Not like anyone uses it, bloody long name that it is"

"The Commander's last name is Amell" Said the mirthful voice of the new arrival "If you read some of the books at the Vigil, instead of passing out on them, you would know that, Oghren" Continued Sigrun, visibly happy about having managed to give a fright to the other dwarf

As it was, though, her moment of triumph was short-lived "Uh, why waste the time reading when i can just watch you do it, you spicy book-reading minx!"

"Ugh" With a few steps Sigrun, too, came to stand next to her Commander. Just not on the side Oghren was

"How is Velanna?" Asked Alexander, before either of the two dwarves could truly start their usual, day-long, bickering

Sigrun gave her answer as she tried to peek over the ship's rails, complitely unperturbed by the fact that she, neither, could swim "She told me that if i stayed, she would do to me what she did to that fellow who kept groping her at the Satinalia feast" The Amell almost winced at that. Breaking the idiot's arm would have been enough by his standards, but what the she-elf did to the poor bastard went far beyond that. He doubted the man would ever see roots in the same light

Which begged the question as to what Sigrun had done to deserve such a threat. A questioning look from the Warden was enough for the latter to explain herself

"I did nothing wrong, honest! I just tried to salvage some of the puke for, you know, study. Wardens are all different from other people, right? Puke must be different too, then. Something huge could be learned from its study, and we could be the ones to do it!" Said excitedly the female dwarf

As she talked, Oghren didn't even try to hide his disgust, which grew even more when at the Commander's contemplative look "That is actualy not a bad idea. If you manage to acquire some, be sure to tell me. I can send it to someone capable of learning something from it. If there is anything to learn, that is" his tone, then, became more strict "Just, if you get caught, don't tell anyone of my involvement"

Sigrun, whom had been smiling from ear to ear at the silver-eyed man's first words, quickly adopted a serious face "No one will know, Commander. I swear"

"You two bloody weirdos! And you even act as if I'M the stoned one!" butted in Oghren, whom had been watching, quietly horrified, the exchange between the two "Sod it! I don't want to listen to this! Boss, what about your last name?"

Sigrun peeked on the other side of the Warden, looking miffed about the other dwarf having ruined her oath "What about his last name? Your ears too full of lurker crap? I already told you, it's Amell!"

The red-head, too, started winding up "I heard you, woman! You interrupted me and the boss' discussion with your talks of puke and spew and shit, you nut!"

"Who are you calling a nut, you undergrown bronto!"

"Assbutt!"

"Dirty drunk!"

"Damn right-"

"Kirkwall, the City of Chains, is the ancestral home of many noble dynasties, and, amongst them, there is house Amell" Said the Last of the Amells

"...what's ancestral?"

"Nug-dung!"

Only an empty estate and forgotten history await me in Kirkwall. I'm lucky, to have my family right here

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Sorry if this seems unpolished or if it's written badly, this is my first "story", if it even can be called that, and i'm doing it mostly to have some fun. Hopr it's, at least, somewhat enjoyable! :) 
> 
> Next one will be more of a character overview, "prequel" to these events, in the form of a monologue from Alexander to an old firend of his


End file.
